TRUTH the daughter of Time
and this records my thoughts and emotions.
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reflections
Saturday, January 02, 2010 @ 2:23 am
2009 came and went. and its the 2nd day of the year and well, maybe it's time to stop stopping myself from thinking and start reflecting on what ive done the past year. 2009, a bittersweet year, i should say, and many people walked into my life, though not all stayed. In a nutshell, 2009 was work, play, romance, separation, male bonding, politics, work(police), my first step into nightlife. it was one of the years where i feel, a certain part of me have changed. and i have outgrown some of my childhood fears, and acquired many bad practices.people have stayed by me in my life, and some have left quickly, while some have left involuntarily. when i think of it now, a certain feeling kinda like the feeling u get when theres sth stuck in your throat and you feel awkward, but it feels good to me. at least i feel for something, and yes death came and robbed two good husbands, fathers, uncles, from many people's lives. one of whom is closer to me, though the other is related by blood. 2009, i will remember them dearly for the ones who were always there when u wanted to find them, i can remember still, when the market was still not renovated, he will always be there, sipping coffee, waiting for his friends, and always he will acknowledge my existence, and always welcome me in his life. and i was there when he was ill too, his quick descent into a state of dilapidation, his usual jovial smile, replaced with fake smiles of reassurance. seeing his wife, also breaks my heart, as of now, the empty bed, when usually the warmth of his body would always be there by her side, now replaced by the void, as with his body, now it's ashes. love and loss, without one, the existence of the other wouldn't be significant. another loss, my love, i threw it away, for utter selfish reasons, maybe i was thinking with my prick at the moment i made the decision, or maybe i was really under severe pressure, from myself to be a good lover. (good as in virtuous) and maybe i didn't love from the start. tears were shed over that too. and unkind words, that she didn't deserve, were said. I know i was wrong, and i am wrong, yet i clearly know i had to be alone, to grow, to throw away my past pursuits, and to find my real calling. im sorry, i will treat you with what you deserve, but im sorry i still have to let things stay this way, and i really treasure your friendship. National service made me many friends, some of whom are still in touch, some, have already left long ago. and im glad many of us are going to the same place after ord, and i have learnt many values from them, and i will always remember the first weekend we stayed in camp, polishing boots while talking about porn and stuff, it was amazing. i mean the moment, not the porn, and we did talk about other stuff. Happiness, is it so hard to get? i always thought happiness comes when you are with friends, with pretty girls, with money, with the satisfaction of the body, no. I am really wrong. I felt happy recently, and it was of the moment, when i was talking to a fellow sadcase on the bus home, i told her i felt really fulfilled though it was just a brief conversation of 10 mins, and i know she didn't feel anything special about it, and (no i am not in love or in any way in love with her) but yup, i was happy. i miss the times, though not many, the times when i can talk to someone, knowing that one understands, and listens, and feels what i was saying. well, looking back in 2009. it really was more significant than i didn't think it would be. rest in peace, Uncle papa, Da jiu. i will always treasure the times i had with you, and both of you have been a role model to me, and i will always remember you. Kelipng, i appreciate everything you've done for me, my 18, 19th birthdays, valentine day gifts, your love for me, i will remember, and i really am sorry to hurt you so much, maybe someday, when i have outgrown the boy i still am, i will face you again. to myself, you know your mistakes, you know your flaws, please, be somebody. Labels: life., messages, reflections |
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