TRUTH the daughter of Time
and this records my thoughts and emotions.
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Life with Craft of History.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013 @ 4:10 pm
It has been really a long while since I written anything reflective and I guess I am happy to be where I am right now. Studying History is rewarding and I continue to reap the intellectual benefits as a History major.
I look back at my old entries and I see myself, embarrassed, disgusted, happy, and I realize that I have changed, and how dumb I was in the past. Well, years have passed since I written something in the blog and in the spirit of learning, I will be applying what I am currently learning in HY2259 to my personal life.
Well, I was taking a walk home from a lunch appt with a friend holding on to my book on the Cold War. The cover page shows a photograph of Stalin, Roosevelt and Churchill, in the famous Tehran Conference. And I realized, these men lived lives pretty much just like myself and the implications of their actions affect the world in ways beyond our comprehension. Similarly, my actions, though the impact is considerably smaller, still affect my world around me. The point is, these people make decisions, albeit more complex and profound than mine, but the decisions they make are more than just due to one factor. Reflecting upon myself, I try to historicize my life in the past few months to understand why and how did I arrive to where I am today- and I realize that there are no clear reasons but an array of reasons which compelled me to make the decisions which prompt me to my current state. If that is the case, then the same would also apply to the historical figures- no single factor would account for how the way things turned out but a myriad of factors and motivations. It would be silly to pinpoint to attribute to one reason for an event.
I learnt that every source is written and interpreted in the way a subject sees it- hence it would not be objective. If that is the case, how do historians pursue objectivity when the sources they study are all subjective and the authors may not even know the whole truth. Even myself, I can't even account for why things happened the way they did months ago- let alone events which happened in another epoch.
Still- I need to record what has happened so as I can account to myself in the future.
I shall try my best to write and describe my emotions and thoughts.
First, I need to back up to end of 2010- my policing days, when I met this wonderful girl, S. We clicked easily and somehow managed to date for almost two years, till the transitional part of my uni life from year 1-2. I guess I was too complacent and did not try hard enough to our lives and she left me. I was devastated. Yet, with the help of friends and loved ones, I managed to pick myself up. When I entered uni, I made a close friend, H, and I had this intellectual admiration for her in addition to good chemistry. Yet, we remained close friends and kinda drifted apart for abit due to my relationship with S. After the breakup with S, H and I kinda grew close and the feelings caught up with us and I recklessly went into the relationship- I remember her asking me if I was really over S. I remembered saying yes, as the feelings I had were so real at that point of time. It was a mistake which would hurt H. We tumbled into a relationship and my feelings for her faded over time. It was appalling how I could feel like this. Soon, I pulled the plug as I felt responsible for not wasting her time. Besides, she was due to go for an exchange. LDR is a nightmare and I do not want her to feel that it is due to the LDR but it is my fault for the strained relationship.
Soon after H was off, I was determined to friendzone every single living being who remotely comes close to me. Which I felt I was consciously doing. However, things went beyond my plans. What I thought was platonic friendship kinda grew complicated. Within two weeks, our behavior towards each other went from being close friends to somewhat like a couple.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
I wish it was like a physical thing.
It isn't.
Now, we are having a break for a week, to live without each other- in order to resolve what we want from each other and see if what we feel are circumstantial or is it real.
I really do not want to hurt another again.
Ironically, or aptly as my adolescent self has believed in, Veritas filia temporis.
What my feelings are, only time will tell.
Yet, Santayana's words ring caution in my head.
Such the irony of life.
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